Twenty Thanks

Happy Autumn

On the 20th of the month, here's 20 things that I am thankful for, in no particular order:

• Autumn with bright blue skies, stormy weather, and sweater weather
• Housemates and late night talks
• Instagram where new friends are made
• The Collection's latest album Ars Moriendi because it is my soul (if you want to know anything about me, go listen to that album [right here])
• People who are honest and live their life without regrets, grudges, or agendas (Seriously. The agenda thing? Stop.)
• Late night solo art projects for my campus organization
• The Christian blogger communities I follow (and stalk on twitter)
• Little brothers and their advice
• My new tattoo that is gorgeous and I love and adore and try to show off no matter what I'm wearing
• My wonderful wonderful job
• My "church sabbatical" of sorts; detoxing from my own cynicism & fear, learning through good books, and the Lord meeting me in solitude
• Lexington and the community the people are working hard to create and build and make better
• Parents who listen to me prattle, talk about decisions, and give me garden tomatoes
• Letting go of pressures, anxiety, deep-rooted fear, outsiders' opinions, and my own unnecessary apologies
• Kentucky, because I finally love it here
• Very gladly being the person who can show up, who can help, who can just be for others
• The changing of majors and (hopefully) finally finding my passion
• Chick-fil-A's Market Salad for doing salads right
• The Oh Hellos and Needtobreathe for an astounding show
• Ideas, passions, callings, and the mulling over of all the things that I refuse to let go of no matter how far off they are and praying I have the strength to fight for them

 And an extra: Noah Gundersen "Poor Man's Son"

 

What are you thankful for today?

How Do You Want Your Life to Feel?

I'm determined to make this blogging thing work. But because I usually can't think of anything to write about and/or that you'd want to read, I go find suggestions via the internet. I found a lovely list of 50 blog post ideas on Gala Darling and number 27 caught my eye.

"Write about how you want your life to feel."

Since I am in college, the idea of what we want to do with our lives comes up a lot. Since I'm a junior, this comes up a little more urgently in the form of what internships we're planning on? what we're doing to beef up our resumes? and how are you going to thoroughly get rid of our originality so we can stand out in the job market and get a career and start doing that American dream thing?

I'm a little overwhelmed and pissed off, if you can't tell.

I'm just not the kind of person to do something because it's expected. If I want to be a certain place in my life and a "career" is how I get there, then I'll do it. But (at least for right now) I just desire a simple, low-stress life. Hell, I'd be happy as a waitress. So. Quit talking to me about career and professionalism. Because I don’t want it.

Now that I've given you a taste of all the negativeness I feel, let me tell you what I do want. Let me tell you how I want my life to feel.

I want my life to feel generous and hospitable and compassionate and creative and adventurous and loving.

I do not want to be so focused on a goal that I pass by people and not have time for them.

As young as I may sound when I say it, at the end of the day, I still want to be me. I cannot always check myself at the door in order to get a job done. I am who I am, this is my story.

I want to live a life of "responsible irresponsibility" as author Mark Batterson stated. I want to be dependent and depended up in community. I want to dig roots deep down and have a family of friends to come home to. But if I feel the call to go study culinary arts in New York City or run an orphanage in Romania or hike the entire Appalachian Trail, I damn well will go. I do not want to be tied down.

I want a life without fear. I want to love other people and invite them into my home and my life. I want to ask questions without being reprimanded. I want to love people of all different backgrounds and walks of life. I want to leave a prayer meeting to go drive my drunk friend home from a bar.

I want to create every. single. day. As if creativity were as necessary as eating. I want to teach something creative and knowledge to children and parents. I want to rebuild the humanity in people that this world and its systems has crushed and buried and denied.

I want to live a life without regrets. I refuse to wake up one day and regret loving a person, taking a risk, or pushing myself. I want to live without the pressure of pleasing others. I want to respect them and honor them, but I will not live my life according to others' expectations.

I want to live, moment by moment, a life that Jesus would smile at.

I am far, far, far from my life being this way. Some fault lies with my actions, some fault lies in my youth, some fault lies in the season of life that I am in. 

But no matter what I do for a living, where I live, or how much money I earn in a year, what I described above is what I want. This is the life that I want to work and grow towards, this is what I want my life to feel like.

What about you? What do you want your life to feel like?