Magnificent Messiness

Someone said to me the other day, "this has been a difficult season for you, hasn't it?"

I answered "well… um… yes. But it's been really good too."

Then I thought about it.

Three years ago, I was a senior in high school. Emotionally and mentally I hit rock bottom. I was drowning in a dark place, fighting for a ray of sunshine. On the outside I was okay. On the inside I was in an almost constant cry for help. Trying to be the perfect person had worn away at my being and I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I could no longer be perfect. I could no longer be better. I didn't know how to just be.

Today? I'm happy. I'm okay with my imperfections; I embrace them, they make me who I am. I love myself and know I am loved. I love other people fiercely and I love them for who they are, not who they should be.

Two years ago I was a freshman in college. The loneliest year I have ever experienced. When I wasn't in class or at work, I was in my dorm or in the library. I didn't fit in anywhere, and no one cared about anything or anyone. It takes a lot to make me cry, but I can't remember how many times I called my parents sobbing. I'd sit in the campus café trying to study and realize it'd been four days since I'd last had a real conversation with anyone.

Today? I live with one of my best friends. I've also crawled out of this shell of mine, and this semester I've gotten to know so many beautiful, unconventional people that I adore and can't get enough of. Thanks to a friend's invitations and me taking off my blinders, my life is so very full and I am so, so thankful.

One year ago, I had a lot of questions. I lived with a few wonderful people who helped me with a lot of it. But I didn't know who or how to talk to about everything. I didn't know what different stories looked like, and I didn't know how to handle it when my story took unexpected turns. Questions upon questions led to a lot of seeking and I found myself not at a crossroads but in the middle of a nowhere with no inkling of what my next steps should be.

Today? Today I'm still seeking, but I know I'm not alone. Today I'm okay with mystery. I'm occupying spaces I hadn't before and it's been different and scary, but it's been so very good. Today I embrace our diverse, imperfect, magnificent stories. My story doesn't have to look a specific way; I am forging my own way with directed steps.

So… no. This has not been a difficult season. This has actually been an incredibly beautiful season. Full of incredibly beautiful friends, old and new. 

You see, the most beautiful things are also the most messy. This has been a messy season. Full of screw-ups, awkward moments, new things, doubts, and misfit people. 

Yes. Because of the person I am, I have very bad days. Days I question whether or not I have really thrown off the darkness like I thought I had. People disappoint you. You disappoint you. Life disappoints you. You question things so deep that you wonder if you are still you. But I've learned to appreciate and embrace and fully feel these days. Because these days exist and dare I say we need them.

Perfection is something I have given up, and fear is something I am in the process of giving up. Because they go hand-in-hand. If you are so focused on being perfect you become a fearful person, afraid of anything or anyone who will taint your perfection. But let me tell you a secret: that is no way to live this life and that is no way to love people.

So here's to our messes. Here's to our messy stories. Here's to magnificent messy people.

In the words of Sarah Bessy from her book, Jesus Feminist, “I want to be outside with the misfits, with the rebels, the dreamers, the second-chance givers, the radical grace lavishers, the ones with arms wide open, the courageously vulnerable.”

That is what I want, that is what I am seeking, that is what I am starting to live.

And I am so incredibly, deep-down-in-my-heart thankful.