Magnificent Messiness

Someone said to me the other day, "this has been a difficult season for you, hasn't it?"

I answered "well… um… yes. But it's been really good too."

Then I thought about it.

Three years ago, I was a senior in high school. Emotionally and mentally I hit rock bottom. I was drowning in a dark place, fighting for a ray of sunshine. On the outside I was okay. On the inside I was in an almost constant cry for help. Trying to be the perfect person had worn away at my being and I couldn't hold myself together anymore. I could no longer be perfect. I could no longer be better. I didn't know how to just be.

Today? I'm happy. I'm okay with my imperfections; I embrace them, they make me who I am. I love myself and know I am loved. I love other people fiercely and I love them for who they are, not who they should be.

Two years ago I was a freshman in college. The loneliest year I have ever experienced. When I wasn't in class or at work, I was in my dorm or in the library. I didn't fit in anywhere, and no one cared about anything or anyone. It takes a lot to make me cry, but I can't remember how many times I called my parents sobbing. I'd sit in the campus café trying to study and realize it'd been four days since I'd last had a real conversation with anyone.

Today? I live with one of my best friends. I've also crawled out of this shell of mine, and this semester I've gotten to know so many beautiful, unconventional people that I adore and can't get enough of. Thanks to a friend's invitations and me taking off my blinders, my life is so very full and I am so, so thankful.

One year ago, I had a lot of questions. I lived with a few wonderful people who helped me with a lot of it. But I didn't know who or how to talk to about everything. I didn't know what different stories looked like, and I didn't know how to handle it when my story took unexpected turns. Questions upon questions led to a lot of seeking and I found myself not at a crossroads but in the middle of a nowhere with no inkling of what my next steps should be.

Today? Today I'm still seeking, but I know I'm not alone. Today I'm okay with mystery. I'm occupying spaces I hadn't before and it's been different and scary, but it's been so very good. Today I embrace our diverse, imperfect, magnificent stories. My story doesn't have to look a specific way; I am forging my own way with directed steps.

So… no. This has not been a difficult season. This has actually been an incredibly beautiful season. Full of incredibly beautiful friends, old and new. 

You see, the most beautiful things are also the most messy. This has been a messy season. Full of screw-ups, awkward moments, new things, doubts, and misfit people. 

Yes. Because of the person I am, I have very bad days. Days I question whether or not I have really thrown off the darkness like I thought I had. People disappoint you. You disappoint you. Life disappoints you. You question things so deep that you wonder if you are still you. But I've learned to appreciate and embrace and fully feel these days. Because these days exist and dare I say we need them.

Perfection is something I have given up, and fear is something I am in the process of giving up. Because they go hand-in-hand. If you are so focused on being perfect you become a fearful person, afraid of anything or anyone who will taint your perfection. But let me tell you a secret: that is no way to live this life and that is no way to love people.

So here's to our messes. Here's to our messy stories. Here's to magnificent messy people.

In the words of Sarah Bessy from her book, Jesus Feminist, “I want to be outside with the misfits, with the rebels, the dreamers, the second-chance givers, the radical grace lavishers, the ones with arms wide open, the courageously vulnerable.”

That is what I want, that is what I am seeking, that is what I am starting to live.

And I am so incredibly, deep-down-in-my-heart thankful.

Twenty Thanks

Happy Autumn

On the 20th of the month, here's 20 things that I am thankful for, in no particular order:

• Autumn with bright blue skies, stormy weather, and sweater weather
• Housemates and late night talks
• Instagram where new friends are made
• The Collection's latest album Ars Moriendi because it is my soul (if you want to know anything about me, go listen to that album [right here])
• People who are honest and live their life without regrets, grudges, or agendas (Seriously. The agenda thing? Stop.)
• Late night solo art projects for my campus organization
• The Christian blogger communities I follow (and stalk on twitter)
• Little brothers and their advice
• My new tattoo that is gorgeous and I love and adore and try to show off no matter what I'm wearing
• My wonderful wonderful job
• My "church sabbatical" of sorts; detoxing from my own cynicism & fear, learning through good books, and the Lord meeting me in solitude
• Lexington and the community the people are working hard to create and build and make better
• Parents who listen to me prattle, talk about decisions, and give me garden tomatoes
• Letting go of pressures, anxiety, deep-rooted fear, outsiders' opinions, and my own unnecessary apologies
• Kentucky, because I finally love it here
• Very gladly being the person who can show up, who can help, who can just be for others
• The changing of majors and (hopefully) finally finding my passion
• Chick-fil-A's Market Salad for doing salads right
• The Oh Hellos and Needtobreathe for an astounding show
• Ideas, passions, callings, and the mulling over of all the things that I refuse to let go of no matter how far off they are and praying I have the strength to fight for them

 And an extra: Noah Gundersen "Poor Man's Son"

 

What are you thankful for today?

How Do You Want Your Life to Feel?

I'm determined to make this blogging thing work. But because I usually can't think of anything to write about and/or that you'd want to read, I go find suggestions via the internet. I found a lovely list of 50 blog post ideas on Gala Darling and number 27 caught my eye.

"Write about how you want your life to feel."

Since I am in college, the idea of what we want to do with our lives comes up a lot. Since I'm a junior, this comes up a little more urgently in the form of what internships we're planning on? what we're doing to beef up our resumes? and how are you going to thoroughly get rid of our originality so we can stand out in the job market and get a career and start doing that American dream thing?

I'm a little overwhelmed and pissed off, if you can't tell.

I'm just not the kind of person to do something because it's expected. If I want to be a certain place in my life and a "career" is how I get there, then I'll do it. But (at least for right now) I just desire a simple, low-stress life. Hell, I'd be happy as a waitress. So. Quit talking to me about career and professionalism. Because I don’t want it.

Now that I've given you a taste of all the negativeness I feel, let me tell you what I do want. Let me tell you how I want my life to feel.

I want my life to feel generous and hospitable and compassionate and creative and adventurous and loving.

I do not want to be so focused on a goal that I pass by people and not have time for them.

As young as I may sound when I say it, at the end of the day, I still want to be me. I cannot always check myself at the door in order to get a job done. I am who I am, this is my story.

I want to live a life of "responsible irresponsibility" as author Mark Batterson stated. I want to be dependent and depended up in community. I want to dig roots deep down and have a family of friends to come home to. But if I feel the call to go study culinary arts in New York City or run an orphanage in Romania or hike the entire Appalachian Trail, I damn well will go. I do not want to be tied down.

I want a life without fear. I want to love other people and invite them into my home and my life. I want to ask questions without being reprimanded. I want to love people of all different backgrounds and walks of life. I want to leave a prayer meeting to go drive my drunk friend home from a bar.

I want to create every. single. day. As if creativity were as necessary as eating. I want to teach something creative and knowledge to children and parents. I want to rebuild the humanity in people that this world and its systems has crushed and buried and denied.

I want to live a life without regrets. I refuse to wake up one day and regret loving a person, taking a risk, or pushing myself. I want to live without the pressure of pleasing others. I want to respect them and honor them, but I will not live my life according to others' expectations.

I want to live, moment by moment, a life that Jesus would smile at.

I am far, far, far from my life being this way. Some fault lies with my actions, some fault lies in my youth, some fault lies in the season of life that I am in. 

But no matter what I do for a living, where I live, or how much money I earn in a year, what I described above is what I want. This is the life that I want to work and grow towards, this is what I want my life to feel like.

What about you? What do you want your life to feel like?

Trying

Long time no see, my little corner of the interwebs.

We're about to turn a new leaf into September, and it is time I start writing again.

First, a quick recap:

May 11th through July 16th involved me working 50 to 60 hours a week between my fulltime temp job at Amazon.com, the part-time job I've had for two years, and my piano lessons.

May 31st I moved into my new house with two of my best friends. We get along beautifully, and I adore having our own place. Our tiny porch is my favorite.

July 19th through the 26th I spent in Wisconsin visiting family and hanging with my brother for the first real time all summer due to both our busy schedules.

The rest of my break (til August 18th) involved getting ready for school and seeing a few high school friends before we all went our separate ways.

Viola! There was my summer. Not my favorite. But I learned a lot. And grew. And met some cool people that I'll probably never see again.

Favorite events of August before include (in no particular order):

Seeing my favorite band, The Collection, live at a radio recording with my brother and:

• Them playing five songs, three of which were my three favorites off the album
• (Seemingly) being the only people there who were familiar with their  music
• Telling the regulars of the radio show about The Collection
• Hearing the interview with the band
• Getting to talk to the lead singer/instigator of the band, him recognizing me from Instagram, and my brother and I basically getting invited to North Carolina for a bonfire at their house

WoodSongs Old Time Radio Hour
Source

 

Going to the PGA Championship in Louisville:

• With my dad
• Where on the last day the game was delayed due to pouring rain and dad and I had lots of fun through it all
• Snapping pictures of Rory McIlroy and (an illegal) one of Phil Mickelson

Backyard Bonnaroo:

• With old high school friends
• At my friend's magical house/backyard
• Eating yummy food
• Staying up late learning about each other's lives since high school

Then classes started, and I paid way too much for books. I also remembered how much I hate college and subsequently discovered I have the least motivation I have ever experienced in the four semesters previous to this. But I'm working on it. Ish.

In other bits of news, some parts of my life have been shaken up immensely. Several events/books/blogs/albums led to a floodgate opening up in my head and it'll take me awhile to process. Right now I'm spending Sundays reading, writing, and listening to music all in an effort to find my feet again. I'm trying to enjoy the journey.

If you want to follow me further, I'm on Instagram & Twitter as @barefoot_rach.

To end, here's a video of The Collection from (I think) a show they just had in NC. The next time I see them live I want to go to a show like this, where I won't be the only one singing along.

 

xoxo

Closing Spring

Hello my friends.

I managed to blog for every week in February, but once midterms and spring break hit in March my life pretty much turned into homework and driving places. But that's okay, because I have a week of classes and then finals and I'll be done with this semester and officially half-way through my undergraduate career.

Here's the last couple months in review.

I don't remember much about March. Other than the fact that I turned 20, I had Spring Break and hung with my brother, and I went exploring a bit at a beautiful spot on my usual commute.

Sun.

In April I explored a portion of the John Holder Trail. I only got so far before I had to turn around due to muddy trails, the threat of rain, and shoes not made for hiking. But I shall go back.

Mud.

Also in April, April 9th to be exact, I participated in a human trafficking awareness event on my campus with the organization I am a member of AND got to see the one and only John Mark McMillan in concert with a good friend. The concert was small, we were standing right in front, people were dancing, everyone sang along, and it was overall the best concert experience I've had (and I've seen Mumford & Sons).

JMM & Jude Moses were three feet in front of us at this point.

On Easter I went driving and hiking with my parents in the Red River Gorge. It was the first time I'd been to the RRG, and I can't wait to go back this summer for some extended hiking.

"Red River Gorgeous"

Other developments include the Lord giving my friends and I a house to rent, Him giving me a summer job working forty hours a week with a schedule that works around my current job, and hopefully visiting family later in the summer.

I have a feeling that this summer will be a mini season of preparation that serves as a bridge to the next major seasons of my life. I am looking forward to what develops and what I do with my time when I'm not working. I hope it is a restful summer that prepares me for next year but most of all I hope it is a productive summer of activity and learning and growing and involvement. 

As a sneak peak, I have big plans for this blog and I look forward to developing this space as well as fine-tuning my vision and purpose for it. Thank you in advance for hanging on for the ride!

To end this post, here's Brady Toops, the artist who opened for John Mark McMillan, singing his song "Lord Have Mercy." Prepare yourself, his voice is too beautiful.

xoxo

Excitingly Small Events

There's a lot of things I could be writing right now.

I started writing a post. Actually I full-on finished a post. But it's a bit too much and a bit too raw to publish. So we'll skip that for now.

Instead, here's a few things in no particular order that have authentically and genuinely excited me or reached down deep in me in some way. I'm back to lists, folks, and I won't apologize.

• I got to help a dear friend surprise another dear friend with her arrival. There's nothing like truly surprising someone and seeing them scream and jump up and down.
• My little brother played at the Hard Rock Cafe on Beale St. in Memphis, TN for his friend Apollo Mighty. He's to the left, the bearded one wearing the vest with the guitar. *big sister freak out time*

Via Apollo Mighty

• I ordered 5 pairs of Warby Parker glasses for their home try-on. I'll pick my favorite pair and once I buy them Warby Parker will send a pair of glasses to someone in need. iamsoexcited.
•  Nickel Creek is returning. Enough said.

• In 8 days I will be 20 years old. Just let that sink in. You don't understand my excitement.
• Thoughts and images of summer. My vitamin D is lacking and I need to see the sun.

• One of my best friends sent me a simple black cord necklace with a tiny pendent that says "love" and I haven't taken it off. She also sent me tea. She loves me.
• John Mark McMillan "Future / Past"

"The constellations are swimming inside

The breadth of your desire
Where could I run, where could I hide
from your heart's jealous fire"

Also check out his song "Love at the End."

• "The Thing About Being a Poinsettia" by Sarah Thebarge. I got a poinsettia tattooed on my right shoulder in December and little did I know how much it would mean to me. I knew the legend and what it meant, how God takes the little things and transforms them into beauty. But this means something so different and something so much more and I am so, so thankful.

Thank you for reading. Blog post ideas are welcome. :)

xoxo

Rach

Coming Back 'Round

I found a book at my hometown's library the other day. The book is called 7.

Well. The full title is, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess by Jen Hatmaker, a pastor's wife and church planter who lives in Austin, Texas.

The basic premise reads as this: she, her husband, occasionally their three children,  and a small group of her friends she dubbed as "The Council" chose seven areas of excess and created some sort of fast for each for one month.  The seven topics were food, clothes, possessions, media, waste, spending, and stress. I'm only in the middle of the third month right now. The book reads like a diary, she wrote every other day or so about how the fasts were going and what she was learning.

For lack of better words, she's an extroverted hoot. I probably wouldn't be able to handle her. Actually, because she has a fantastic sense of humor she probably wouldn't be able to handle me because I'd be laughing the whole time she'd be talking.

But, this lady is so very sincere. She loves so very fiercely. She knows her stuff but isn't afraid to admit she's wrong or messed up.

Jen Hatmaker is reminding me about crazy passionate people. Unapologetically passionate about something of God so much you talk about it all the time even if you annoy your family and friends. So passionate you do everything you can in the name of that something.

//

While I was reading, I realized something. I used to be like that.

Call it childish naivety, but I was going to change the world.

Eventually, I got so tired of being alone in that passion. I was tired of no one caring. Because in all seriousness, most people don't give a damn about anything. We're scared, we think it's not cool, and who would look out for number one if we're helping others? I got jaded in my isolation and in the environment I was in.

Today when people say things like I used to, I inwardly shake my head and cynically think "been there, done that, good luck with that." 

//

The more I think about it, the more I realize why Jesus said “Let the children come to me…. [T]he Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children."

Don't you love/hate it when kids get super excited over stuff and won't shut up about it? Well, I'm pretty sure that's what Jesus meant. Passion.

In the movie "Amazing Grace" the character William Pitt, eventual British Prime Minister and friend of William Wilberforce stated that "...we're too young to realize that certain things are impossible!"

Children are foolish enough to do things that adults think they're too cool for or have too much responsibility for.

For the past year or two, I've been frightened of anybody mentioning radical love and radical action. Because I used to be excited and ready to do those things. Now all I worry about is if I'll have enough money or if I'll have to make awkward conversation or get to know people I don't particularly want to get to know. I made a bubble that I can stretch but never, never break. Because it would cost me my selfish comfort. I carry around "irresponsible responsibility" as Mark Batterson called it in his book Wild Goose Chase. "Responsibility" that we use as an excuse to not do the right thing.

//

Last night I went to a meeting for an organization on campus that promotes awareness about human trafficking. My new friends there talked about boycotting chocolate, buying fair trade t-shirts to sell for fundraising, and making big plans for awareness projects. These were things I used to do things about, believe in, and dream about. These were things I had more or less given up. Yet, He's brought be back.

This post did not go as planned. But it turned into what it has, because God is ever so slowly turning me step by step back to His call. His call of justice, of changing the world, of caring for the issues and people He so dearly loves, of working and dreaming big dreams of His kingdom. Doing hard things that don't always turn out the way you think they should. Failing. Being in awkward situations. Giving up stuff. Picking up a cross.

I think He's bringing me back 'round to His radical love, and I am so, so ready to dream again. 

Commas, Shoes, and Accents! Oh, my!

In desperation to write a blog a week, I found myself Googling. (Or Binging, I did use Bing.) You may call it "lazy," but I call it "humanity pooling our resources." In the words of Lorde's latest hit: So there.

I found myself on the blog of Mary Demuth (one of those Christian authors I was pretty sure I'd heard of before) and she offered one of the best posts on blog idea posts I've ever seen.

Number 7 on her list was "write ten things folks don't know about you." Again, sounds lazy, but I have 8 chapters worth of reading to do this weekend so here we are.

Important things. Via flickr.

1. In rare moments (usually during a full moon) I can be talkative. Shocker I know, but it happens. After I regretfully spill my guts I go back to my mind-dweller self.
2. I still don't like my university that much. Or the concept of college in general. But I need to learn the skills and earn a degree to actually work as a Dietitian. So I'm toughing it out. I'll need to get my Master's at some point, but I'll at least have a big girl job by that point and can have a real life. Because college is not real life. Don't fool yourself.
3. I'm in love with any sport or activity that involves boards. Skateboarding, surfing, snowboarding, longboarding, you name it. I love it. One day I might actually learn how to do one or two (or all?!) of these.
4. I am terrible at answering texts. Just ask my best friends. It may be because I dislike text conversations and their awkward endings. But even texts that require a simple response I won't reply to. I am attempting to get better at that.
5. I live in the South, but strong Southern accents tend to drive me up the wall. For some odd reason they really stand out to me, but if I know the person I usually get used to it. I'm trying to teach myself to look/listen past the accent and love the person but it's a challenge.
6. I love, love, love learning about people. If I could, I would sit all my friends and acquaintances down and have them tell me about themselves and answer all my questions about them. I believe that being honest and being our true selves around people is one of most beautiful things in the world, and I live for those moments.
7. I use commas too often. I'm an advocate of the Oxford comma (see below example), but I simply use them too much probably because I like to use interjections in my writing and commas seem like the best way to do that. I also use parentheses like nobody's business. Editing my blog posts consist of removing commas and parentheses.

***OXFORD COMMA EDUCATION***

Without oxford comma: I wrote letters to my parents, John Green and J.K. Rowling.

With oxford comma: I wrote letters to my parents, John Green, and J.K. Rowling.

See, kiddos? Without the oxford comma, we assume John Green and J.K. Rowling are my parents. With it, we realize that I am writing letters to my parents and two authors. All objections are invalid.

8. I occasionally write text messages with long words while unconsciously using the syntax used by a member of the Crawley family in Downton Abbey. Because I'm a nerd. I also like to pretend my car is a mini cooper. Apparently I'm delusional in all aspects of life.
9. A dream of mine is to live in a tiny house. Like these. I'd probably build/buy a movable one and plop it down whenever I'd have to move. I enjoy simple living, and an even simpler house is a challenge I've wanted to live out for a long time. I have an entire pinterest board dedicated to tiny homes.
10. When ever I meet, pass, or observe a person, I always, always, always look at their shoes first. This makes it difficult for me to pick out shoes to wear (even though my own shoe collection is pretty simple), because I so whole-heartedly believe  that shoes say a lot about a person. I would pass up a good-looking man proclaiming his undying love for me if he was wearing the wrong shoes.

Viola! Hopefully you learned 10+ new things today, including the necessity of Oxford commas. 

You're welcome. 

xoxo

Mountains of Dust

For Christmas my brother gave me Gungor's new album, I Am Mountain.

The title track starts off this way:

I am mountain, I am dust

Constellations made of us

There’s glory in the dirt

A universe within the sand
Eternity within a man

 Part of the bridge states:

Momentary carbon stories

From the ashes

Filled with holy ghost

Life is here now

The rest of the song follows this theme, that we are nothing yet we are everything. We are small yet we are huge. We can do nothing on our own yet we have the capacity for everything.

 

I think we forget that.

Some people are scared and accumulate wealth, power, or egotism in an effort to forget and discard their nothingness.

Some people are scared and hide within themselves and won't develop or reveal their full capacity as a person in an effort to forget and discard their greatness.

I believe both these stances are destructive and irresponsible.

We are truly nothing. A natural disaster can wipe us off the face of the planet within moments. Wars and human rights crises consistently illustrate human kind's destructive nature. In the big scheme of things, we are ants aimlessly wandering around and destroying our watery planet hanging in the middle of one galaxy amidst thousands in a big, black, vacuum of a universe that is only God knows how large. We are dust.

Yet. Oh, how very yet.

That same God hand-crafted every atom that ever was or will be. That same God breathed life into us unworthy humans. He was the one who made eternity touch this earth at the resurrection of His Son. He brought us purpose - Himself, to love Him and to love His beloved. Those same cosmos that engulf us in wonder are held within the Creator, the personal God that inhabits our hearts. We are created in His image and we. are. mountain.

Yes, we are nothing. But we are everything.

There is grace when we sin and fall. There is Love to keep us going.

A paraphrase of Romans 5:8 reads as follows:

"You are loved more than you will ever know by Someone who died to know you."

Be vast. Be brilliant. For you are the created loved by the Creator. You have been given the capacity of the cosmos to work for the better.

This is what I have been reveling in. This is my encouragement to you today.